I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
