I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
