Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
