He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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