Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
