Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
