I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
