so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
i now understand why vodka
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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