I smell stomach acid.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
