I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
