so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
