You smell like a Billy Joel song
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
