I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
3 2 1 whiskey
I FOUND THE LEGS
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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