I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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