What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
