Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
