dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
