she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
