i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize