Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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