...so i touched it.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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