I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
