Joe is yelling at the trees again.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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