bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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