when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I lost the right to judge tonight
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
