Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
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