I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
