i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Vodka?
Forever.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
