Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
