lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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