I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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