In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
