I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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