I looked at my own cervix.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
