Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
