dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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