hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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