Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
