I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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