When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
