EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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