I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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