thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
