I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
