Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Randomize
