we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
bring money and cleavage
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
