proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
