Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
