saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
