maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
