i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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