So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
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