The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
