I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
